Ownership of Dogs should be illegal. Dogs are enormous creatures that track fur everywhere and suck up all your spare time with their unappealing neediness. Dogs look and feel ugly. Dogs are like those actors that you see sometimes. Those actors who look gross, act gross and no doubt smell gross, but to some people have a strange appeal. Dogs are like Vince Vaughn. Whereas Cats, cats require almost no work, act nobly and never give you tapeworms. What happens when you take a dog outside? They run and scamper and stick their noses in strange places. Whenever you see a dog outside of a house, there's a one in three chance that is eating some plastic. Dogs have no dignity, no sense of proper behaviour. Have you ever seen a cat eat something it's not supposed to? Dogs eat nothing but trash and low-grade meat. Think of Kibble and think of Fancy Feast. They're essentially the same idea, but one of them has a touch of class. The other sounds like something you find in your gutter after a rainy day.
See how this sounds.
'How's it going cleaning the gutter, honey?'
'Eugh. I think I found some Kibble.'
Now imagine this.
'How's it going cleaning the gutter, honey?'
'I think I found some Fancy Feast!'
'Yum! Bring it downstairs, let's eat some lunch.'
As you can see from these comparative sentences, anything even related to cats sounds delicious.

Everyone Hates A Literalist.

I never understood how Superman really got by without his secret identity being exposed. For one, he never had a mask, not even sunglasses! Not even one of those things that Robin and The Lone Ranger have! All he does is remove his glasses. I imagine this is how a conversation goes down.

"Hey, Tom. You ever notice how Superman looks a lot like Clark?"

"No, no. Clark has GLASSES."

"Wait, but just envision him without glasses. Just see what he looks like."

"Huh. I guess you're--Oh, wait."

"What?"

"Clark doesn't wear spandex."

"What?"

"Clark doesn't wear spandex but Superman does."

"Huh. I never noticed that. Never mind, then."

"Okay. By the way, how's Judy doing?"

"Dude, she left me."

"Oh. Sorry..."

Another thing. How does he turn back time when running around the world? I know it's comic physics, but if he can do something like that, would it be possible for him to fast-forward time by running the OPPOSITE way? Suppose Bizzaro Superman attacks the Earth, can't he just fast forward until the end of the ordeal, or even Bizzaro's natural death? And what happens if he runs into someone while running around the world? How is it he takes such an isolated path that he collides with no humans whatsoever? And there is, of course, the issue of Kryptonite. Couldn't anyone kill Superman by just hurling a chunk of rock at him?

"Hey, man. There's that Superman."

"Aww, man. I hate that guy. He thinks he's better than us just because he has powers?"

"Yeah. Someone ought to put him in his place."

"You know, I think I'm gonna do something bold."

"What are you saying? What, are you throwing a rock at him? Don't do that! Aww."

"Haha."

"What did you do that for?"

"I hate that dude."

"Hmm. He's not getting up. Where'd you get that rock?"

"Oh, just over by that barrel filled with radiating waste."

"Dude. You just killed Superman."

"Oh."

"Not cool. Not cool, man."

Yeah. Plot holes a'plenty in Superman. I hope I ruined the experience for you.

Maurie

How can people be so evil as to take pleasure in watching others suffer? How can a human being delight in such a dark contortion of nature? Why is this unnatural creation of man readily available to anyone and everyone? No one will ever know. I am talking, of course, about daytime television. As far as I'm concerned, there is no greater threat to America's moral fiber than Jerry Springer. The only reason that this show thrives at all is because of their prime audience. The arrogant middle-class housewife treating herself to a small break, slurping down a plastic cup of low-fat chocolate pudding, eyes glazed over, staring at the television, ignoring all that goes on in her empty, suburban life, feeling sorry for herself, wondering where all her life went, when suddenly, something magical happens. Those magical words come screaming out of the 10 inch television screen. Those magical words that will forever change her life.
"Today, our guest will be a small boy who has a growth the size of his fist growing from his nose."
At first, she is disgusted, then slowly, she becomes intrigued. Was it even remotely possible that someone had a worse life than her? Why did these people have this little boy on their show? What did they plan to do with him? Thinking the worst, she begins watching. And, sure enough, this show awakens feelings inside of her that she had never felt beore. It was nothing less than a moment of beauty when they sent that sad little boy to the world's biggest put-put golf course! From this moment on, she knows she's hooked. There's no going back. Before she knows it, what used to be a small break every once in a while, suddenly transforms into constant time in front of the Television. Her physical health quickly deteriorates, and her basic human decency wears down, becomes thinner and thinner, until it's hardly there anymore. Where she used to cry, she now laughs, where she used to love, she now hates. That crummy little 10-inch telly is exchanged for a 42-inch plasma (courtesy of her family's joint savings), and eventually, she spends all her time sitting on the couch. But it's not just Maurie anymore. Oh, no. Now she's moved on to bigger things. Much, much, bigger things. Jerry Springer, Judge Judy, even America's Funniest Home Videos. These shows used to cause her pleasure, where now they simply give her a feeling of quaint emptiness. All that can fulfill her hunger is more and more and more. She is caught in a vicious circle, she spends all her money on Oprah dvd's, and her physicality goes so long out of check she turns into a fat, hairy beast. Eventually, her husband leaves her and takes the children, so, driven almost to madness, only demands the family RV, which she takes to a trailer park and lives in for the rest of her days. Several years later, her savings finally run dry, and in a final act of desperation, writes a letter to Maurie.
"My life has no meaning but your show. Please help me."
Her story intrigues the executives at ABC and they accept it hastily.
Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, a woman sits at home. A bored housewife slurping down a cup of low fat chocolate pudding, treating herself to a little break, eyes glazed over, staring at the Television, when a few magical words shout from the T.V.'s speakers.
"This morning, we will be having a woman who says our show changed her life!"


So it begins once again.

Celebz

What is this infatuation with celebrities? You see better looking people on the street every day. You see more INTERESTING people on the street every day. Yet, you seem to be somehow drawn to those who others are drawn to. It's something like a trickle-down formula. One really popular guy sees someone in a movie.
'Wow! They're cool!'
The second guy wants to fit in. He decides to agree with the first dude, so he takes some pictures. Some newspapers see these popular guys are interested in other, more popular guys. They decide to go with it, too. Before you know it, people are getting payed for taking interest in the ultra populars. These ultra-populars become so ultra popular that their appearance and being is simply celebrated everywhere they go. They become celebrities. But here is the true question: that first popular guy. The very first that decides who is popular and who isn't. That guy; who decides that HE is popular? And who decides that this mystery man is popular? And who decides that THAT guy is popular? It goes on and on forever. The only logical answer is that popularity, or 'cool' is decided by those who were previously cool, and who previously were cool were decided by who were cool before them. The true origin of cool, if you want to be absolutely literal, is that first guy who clumped some dirt in a ball and started rolling it around. Who was then discovered by another guy that made a wheel from his idea, and that next guy that thought it was cool and put two of them together and rolled on them. Those are the true origins of cool. Mystery solved.

You're in for some controversy.

Jesus. What a guy. It wasn't enough that he was the son of god, he was also a really nice dude. He hated rich people, gave to the poor, and cured blindness and diseases. Amazing, no? Well, this may be offensive, but I am here to tell you there was a Jesus. Yes, I will repeat that. There WAS a Jesus. He, however, was not the Messiah.
Take into consideration the possibility that Jesus was a miracle worker. Take into consideration that he was a conman. Compare those two. Which one was more likely? Imagine. You live in a time of doubt and uncertainty. The entire world is strange and foreign. There are no proper records of ancient history, nor are there theories of what the far future will be.
Then some dude comes along. He tells you that there's this entity, this being that is everything and everywhere, and he or she or it is controlling every aspect of your life. Is controlling what happens now and next. Has controlled everything that has ever happened EVER.
Now the dude tells you he is this being's son. At first you're skeptical.
'Oh, yeah? Prove it.'
'Okay. I will.'
Takes you to his mom's place. Says his mom was a virgin when she birthed him. You go see her, and apparently, it's true. Never had sex. Was engaged to be married when she became pregnant. Now she CAN'T be lying. She's his mom. You're excited, but still skeptical.
'Show me more proof.'
'Uh...I can perform a miracle.'
'Show me.'
The dude does a little trick.
'Whoa, man! You're the real deal!'
'Told you.'
You're really amazed.
'I gotta go tell some friends about you! Hey, what's your name?'
'Me? I'm Jesus.'
'Jesus what?'
'Jesus Christ.'
Bam! You've got a religion.

Movie

I thought of an amazing idea for a movie.
Well, rather I dreamed it.
I'll jump right in.
So, the world is a dark place, and a second great depression is nothing less than imminent. The middle class American is exceedingly worried about his or her money, so they withdraw their funds from the banks of the world and begin storing them in safes and houses of their own. They penny-pinch. This leads to nobody buying anything costing more than one hundred dollars, which causes the price of virtually all items to go down drastically. Over these long, hard years, one aristocrat sheds his life of excess and luxury to live a simple, modest one. He is building his personal fortune. In some ten years, the government collapses upon it self once the dollar's value drops below the yen. America is getting by, but is very very poor. The government is in drastic need of funding. Enter the aristocrat. Now the richest man in the world, this aristocrat strikes a deal with the government; complete and total funding for whatever the government needs, in exchange for being the most powerful man in the United States. The government realise, they must either create a dictator, or watch America slowly die. They choose the former.
Now, a rebel group named Vengeance is finding their cause. Will they live under the totalitarian rule of the aristocrat's iron fist? Or will they choose to abandon their comfortable lives and reclaim freedom? Obviously, they choose the latter.
And there you have it. A blockbuster Political Thriller/Action Film.
I need to write this idea down... Oh, wait-

The Fountain

In the world we live in today, the only heroes of the world are comedy stars. Children of the world are trying to find suitable models in Seth Rogen and Ben Stiller, when these men are making nothing but innuendo jokes and farting here and there. I'm not one to talk, knowing my friends and I watch these movies all the time. Zoolander is pure hilarity. At one particular movie session, my friends and I were downstairs in my friend's basement, watching a movie the atmosphere of which was not commonly experienced. At least not by our social group. This movie was 'The Fountain', a strange independent film the likes of which the world has never seen before. The film consisted of three narratives of different characters. The first, Tomas, is a Spanish conquistador who has disgraced several Mayan Gods, and has unleashed a grim Pandora's Box of curses and darkness that constantly plague and pox him like a plague...or a pox. He is seeking the Fountain of Youth. The next story is of Tom, played by the same actor. He plays a modern time veterinarian who is involved in a romance with a strangely naive daughter of a corporate executive. This bit of the movie is shot in one camera, and has very low production values. It gives off the feel of a second rate soap opera. They probably spent all their money on an extremely lifelike model orangutang which is featured heavily. The third part of this film focuses on Thomas, a space traveler who is stuck on an island with only a tree. This part consists mainly of the protagonist peeling bark off the tree, chewing it, and turning it (somehow) into ink. In the end, it turns out the 'Fountain of Youth' takes its own form in everyone's lives. For Tomas it is in the form of the real Fountain of Youth, discovered in an old Mayan tomb. For Tom it is the naive daughter of a corporate executive he loves so much (this revelation consists of a scene where he quite literally drinks her). And for Tom it is the tree has has forever lived with, and its water was the ink that formed from his saliva. What a twist!
Whew. That took a while. Blog done.